Archive for My Journal

Hey-noney-noney and a hot-cha-cha! (If you are too young to get that Little Rascals reference you should just die right now!)

Woke up this morning and my sinus headache was finally gone! WooHoo!! I had the fucker for three days and it was driving my nuts. I got it Wednesday night and all day Thursday and Friday my right eye just throbbed, it felt like someone had hit me in the back of the neck with a baseball bat, and I was dizzy as all hell! I fucking hate sinus headaches. I used to get them all the time up until a year ago when I started to use a CPAP machine to help my Sleep Apnea. I thought I had gotten rid of them for good, but this week proved me wrong. Oh well, it could be worse I guess…I could be pregnant!

I must have gotten the stupid headache from sitting outside in the cold and damp air on Wednesday nite. Erica asked Robin and I to go watch her latest boyfriend/friend/fuck buddy/internet hookup/boytoy…hell I don’t know what to call the dude…anyway, his band was playing in the battle of the bands at the Orleans County Fair. It should have been called the battle of the shitty bands and the prize should have went to the band that made your ears bleed the least. It was brutal!

Although the bands sucked a great big gigantic cock, we had a blast sitting there goofing on them and just having fun the way good friends can do even though there is nothing special happening.

We started off the nite with a trip to the food court. I could see all the venders eyes widen and fill with dollars signs the minute they saw me. A 500lb. man buying his dinner at your food cart could easily pay for your kid to go to college for a year so they were all trying to entice me to buy food at their booth. Little did they know I just ate a bunch of Chicken McNuggets and 2 iced coffees before I had arrived.

We walked up one side of the food court and then turned around and walked back the other side because the girls couldn’t make up their minds as to what they wanted to eat. It was quite amusing to watch the venders as I approached their individual boothes. Their eyes would widen with glee which then turned into a look of ecstacy as we stopped and discussed if we wanted anything, only to be replaced by a look of utter disappointment as we walked on by and headed to the next food cart.

We eventually got some food at a little lunch counter that was situated right near the grand stands. I got me a bacon cheeseburger and some mozzeralla sticks and Robin got herself some french fries and then we headed over to get us a seat before it got too crowded. My biggest fear all day was that there would be old rickety beachers and that I would sit down and get stuck and at the end of the night ten men would need to help me up and the whole crowd would see…not to mention the local paper would take a picture and run the story on the front page with the headline “Fat Man Rescued From Bleachers”. See, you don’t know the TV news and Newspapers in this part of VT. They have no actual news to report so if a cow farts it makes the front page.

Anyway, the Grand Stand was a huge old structure made out of wood but it was solid as a rock and there was plenty of room to sit and relax and not worry about my fat ass getting stuck or possibly even breaking a bench. We had to sit there while they called out the numbers of people’s tickets for some stupid lottery in which the grand prize was a kids bike…it seemed like they called out numbers for an hour before someone actually had a winning number..what a fucking bore!!!

Then finally the bands were gonna play. We got some good and bad news. The good news being there were only 3 bands, the bad news being that each band got a half an hour to play and the band Erica wanted us to see was on last…the things you do for good friends. Anyway, the bands played, they sucked, we had a great ass time being goof balls and ripping on the bands, it got dark, it got late, we all got tired, I got a sinus headache, I dropped off Erica, then I dropped off Robin, then I headed home and practically passed out in my bed.

All and all, except for the sinus headache part, we all had a really great time. Yet another adventure to add to our already long list of adventures. And the moral of the story is…if you read other people’s blogs you will get bored to death. Turn off your computer and go out into the real world and get a life!!

So it is Sunday (well actually it is Thursday but this happened on Sunday) and I am at home fully expecting to have yet another totally boring day. Up pops my Mom (my friend Robin) on Yahoo messenger and she is telling me about how she is getting packed for her trip to Reno, and cleaning the house…at the same time her sister Erica is telling me how bored she is and how her boyfriend is totally ignoring her. Robin mentions she needs to go get feeder fish before she leaves and that is it, the wheels start to turn.

Ok, so I offer to go get the fish for Robin and bring them to her house…this allows me to get out of my freakin apartment and to see her before she goes. She says great, bring on the feeder fish. So I in turn ask Erica if she wants to surprise Robin and come with me…she says sure since it will get her out of the house plus she hasn’t seen her sister in a long while. Now it is on, a fish run with a big surprise coming, I love it!

Erica, who lives about 40 miles NE of where I live gets to my house and then we head out to get the fish before heading over to Robin’s place which is 52.6 miles SW of my apartment…lots of wide open spaces in VT. On the road I let Erica listen to her favorite country music on Sirius (Prime Country). I’m not a HUGE country music fan but Erica is my guest and I like enough country not to get driven crazy by it. The only thing that did drive me crazy were the god damned Sunday drivers and I kept Erica entertained with my bitchin out ever driver we ran into…not literally you lunkhead!

When we finally get to Robin’s house, about an hour later than she had expected, she was surprised and happy to see Bear (that is what I call Erica, get used to it). We add the feeder fish to the two tanks and Erica gets a kick out of watching the oscars devour the poor little comets…hell, we all were digging watching the big fish munch on the little fish…nature at its finest! Funniest thing that happened was that one of the oscars bit the tail off one of the feeders and that little bugger would not die, it just kept swimming around without a tail! Never a dull moment when you own cichlids!

It had gotten to be about 1:30 in the afternoon and the girls were both hungry so we decided to pile into my minivan and head out in search of some good eats! We had no idea what we wanted or where we wanted to eat…we just let our stomachs be our guide. We passed a pizza place, a Subway resturant, a Quiznos, a Burger King, a Dominos Pizza, 2 chinese resturants, a McDonald’s, and another BK when what did our eyes see…a Friendly’s! Sure, it may not be the greatest place on earth to eat, but you get a SUNDAE with your meal!! YIPPEE!!!!! The little kid in all of us wanted some ass cream! ASS CREAM!!! (Duh, you fucking dolt, of course I mean ice cream, it is a long story why we call it “ass cream” and I got better things to write about at the moment so that explanation will have to wait for a later post).

Nothing ULTRA-exciting about the meal. Mediocre food, bad waiter…the usual. The one thing that was quite hillarious was that in the Friendly’s menu they have a page of dinners that include an ice cream sundae in with the price of the meal and then they have a page of meals that don’t include the ice cream sundae in the price, but, and now get this, you can add a “Happy Ending” to your meal for an additional $1.50. A HAPPY ENDING?!?!?! At Friendly’s they offer a HAPPY ENDING? Holy shit! Is this the same type of happy ending they offer at massage palors? I sincerely hoped not since we had a guy as our wait person. I just found it absolutely fucking hilarious that of all the terms they could have used to say you can add a sundae to your meal for a buck fifty they chose “Happy Ending”, especially since it is a family resturant…I guess maybe I’m just a perv but I really got a good laugh at that one!

With our belly’s full of quesedillas and ice cream we headed back to Robin’s apartment. As we approached her place we came to a literal fork in the road and instead of going the most direct route to her house I decided to take the other path. Who knew it would be another 150 miles before we made it back to her house! Like I mentioned earlier, here in VT you can travel 10, 20, sometimes 30 miles before you reach another town or even a crossroad. When we started out we were in civilization but by the end of our excursion we were traveling down some god foresaken dirt road with ruts the size of nyc potholes!!!

I won’t bore you with a minute by minute account of the entire joyride…which basicically involved me bitching about other asshole drivers, listening to the hits channel on Sirrius and many choruses of “Ass Mud!!!”, “Penis Cheese”, “Matt Da-a-a-mon”, and “I’m so ronery”. Basically we just stayed on that one road for a looooooooong ass time. We nearly hit a bike rider…his fault, we went up hills and down hills, round zillions of the curves VT roads are famous for, passed through town after one-church-one-general-store-one-stoplight town, and saw acres and acres of farmland…lots of corn and cows (don’t you just love the smell of fresh cowshit in the morning!). All and all our first half of the journey was spent enjoying the company of good friends, acting like 12 year olds while trying to keep my minivan on the road, and avoiding shithead bike riders…oh how I hate these fuckers who think narrow country roads with no shoulders are good places to go for a gawd-damned bike ride!

We finally came to a point where we realized we better turn around before we started to see signs for Disney World. I absolutely HATE going somewhere and then turning around and going back the exact same way I came so we got off the road we were on and headed down a new road which we hoped would eventually take us back home, or at least to another road that would lead us to another road that would lead us to another road that would lead us back where we started…roads in VT don’t always go exactly where you want to go…and occasionally they just don’t go anywhere at all (ever hear the expression “Can’t get there from here”, well in VT that is 100% true!). After a few road changes, and me flying through a stop sign which I did not see until after I passed it, we finally found a road we liked and began our trek back to the mothership…er, I mean back to Robin’s apartment.

Now this would be a great place to end the story since normally it would just be a simple ride home. The passengers are usually tired from the ride, the driver is usually sick of driving so most drives home are quiet and uneventful. But not with us, oh no, we need constant stimulation…not really but it sounded good didn’t it? Anyway, for the most part it was a nice calm drive home, that is until we saw the sign. “Floating Bridge VT 3 miles” is what the sign said. Floating Bridge VT? Was there really a town called Floating Bridge? And did it in fact have a floating bridge? Fuck, what the hell IS a floating bridge? My curiousity was tweaked to the max and I turned off the nice smooth road we were on and headed off to see this place called “Floating Bridge”.

As we barreled down the winding dirt road both Robin and Erica kept trying to convince me to turn around and head back to civilization, but what the hell, it is only 3 miles and I was determined to see if it was just a name or if in fact there was an actual floating bridge in the town of Floating Bridge VT. We finally hit some asphalt, which usually means you have come to a town, so we knew we were getting close. After going up a hill and around a bend we caught our first glimpse of it, the floating bridge…yes, it really existed, a genuine floating bridge!! As we slowly came down the hill we had a moment to gaze upon the bridge…basically because some asswipe tourist decided to pull out of his parking space right in front of me and I had to sit there and wait while the idiot fucker tried to navigate his SUV back into the roadway.

With the peckerhead finally out of our way we got to see the floating bridge for all its glory. It was only about 200 feet long but it was barely one car wide and it had small walkways on either side jam packed with people, probably a mixture of tourists and locals. I approached the bridge slowly. For the longest time it looked as if the bridge was nothing more than 2 strips of wood where your tires would go and nothing else. It was only as I was just about to enter the bridge did I see those 2 strips were sitting on an actual bridge which was quite literally floating on the water! In fact the entire roadway was covered with water from the pond the bridge crossed. As a traversed the bridge I noted that the speed limit was 5 miles per hour…I thought I was going slow enough but maybe not since I was creating quite a wake in the water and was splashing those on the walkways. Halfway across the bridge and we are confronted by this dog that just won’t move out of the way. I slow down a bit and some kid finally grabs the dog out of the roadway however I guess maybe I was still going too fast for someone or they didn’t like me splashing them cuz I heard a voice from somewhere say “What the hell are you doing?”

Now more than halfway across the bridge, tons of steam pouring from under my hood…I guess the water was high enough to hit the transmission, or possibly it splashed there from me going a tad faster then 5 mph…Erica, Robin, and myself were having a fucking ball!!! A REAL FLOATING BRIDGE, HOLY SHIT! As we approached the other shore we wanted more, we wanted to live on that bridge we wanted to go back and forth that bridge for the rest of our lives…ok, that is a bit of an exaggeration, but we definately wanted to go over it again! The road on the other side of the bridge was narrow however and it was packed with cars and people and abruptly came to a “T”. Not really enough room to make a U-turn and sort of being forced by traffic to make a left or a right we chose a road and headed back to were we started. After wishing I would turn around and head home instead of searching for some stupid bridge, now Erica and Robin wanted me to turn around and go back. Back to the floating bridge. Back to the people looking at us like we were out of our minds for splashing them. Back to that crazy dog starring me down from the middle of the road. I wanted to go back too, I really did but the vehicle just kept traveling down the road, getting farther and farther from the bridge and closer and closer to home.

Once back at Robin’s apartment we hung for a bit having a drink or two, playing on the computer, and sort of just decompressing from the ride and the events of the day. Erica and I still had a 50+ mile ride back to my apartment and then Erica had another 40 mile drive to her apartment so we didn’t stay too too long. We finally said our goodbyes and headed home, thankfully with the Sun at our backs.

What started out as another shitty boring day turned into an amazing adventure that the three of us will remember for a long,long time to come! That is the magical thing about life, no matter how cynical and jaded I have become as I grow older and crankier, I still can be stunned and amazed by all the new things you can discover day in and day out! Life may suck 90% of the time, but so fucking what, the other 10% is just so completely awesome it makes it all worth it!!!

What do thai food, Matt Damon, and serial killers have in common? All of them played a big part of my evening last nite!

My friend Robin…the Ipod chickee from a few posts ago…came over to my apartment after work to hang out and to try to fill up her aforementioned Ipod with some of my 120gb of mp3’s. (And before you freakin music nazis try to arrest me, ALL the mp3’s I have are either burned from CD’s I own or ones I purchased…so politely go fuck yourselves).

Robin loves thai food and there just happens to be a thai resturant up here in this tiny little podunk town of St. Johnsbury, VT, so we decided to splurge a little and go get us a good ol’ thai dinner. She ordered Red Curry Duck and crab rangoon and I ordered some shit for which I can not remember the name. Excuse me, I don’t speak thai or what ever the fuck language they speak in Thailand. All I do remember was it had pork and was fucking yummy as all hell! Oh, and I almost forgot, I got me a wonderful thai iced tea while we waited for the food. It cost $2.50, but what the hell, it was worth every penny. If you have never had a thai iced tea go do it right now! No, seriously, stop reading this, find a thai resturant, and go get yourself a thai iced tea…I’ll wait…la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la…you back yet? You never left? Well fuck ya then, I’ll just finish my story.

We brought the food back to my sweltering apartment and turned the fans on full blast. To keep us cool we got a couple of Dunkin Donuts Coffee Coolatas (with chocolate-rasberry flavoring). Yeah we ate wickedly spicey hot thai food with a sweet icey coffee flavored slushy, so sue us if you think that is crazy! As we were eating we did our usual chit-chatting while watching the news. (BTW, FUCK YOU NBC for your lame ass “report” on that annoying Head-On commercial!!!!!!)

Since the last time Robin came over to hang out we watched “Team America: World Police” and we both became nearly obcessed with quoting lines and singing the songs, this time I decided to let her watch some of the behind the scenes footage…yeah for DVD extras!!!!! Between both of us saying “Matt Daaa-mon” til we nearly pee’d from laughing so hard (unless you saw the movie you will have no fucking clue why this is totally freakin HILLARIOUS!!!!!) and alternately singing “America, Fuck Yeah!” and “I’m so ronery”, we found an uproariously fun time admists all the heat and humidity.

Then it was time to let Robin borrow some of my music for her Ipod. See, she is going on vacation to Reno, NV next week and wanted to make sure she had enough music for the wait at the airport and the flight out west. To make a long story short, she found a bunch of her favorites and she let me suggest some of my favorites as well. Robin is cool like that, she loves finding new songs/groups to listen to, I guess it is the Aquarian in her.

So we sat there for hours, listening to music, talking ’bout everything and nothing, continuing our “Team America” quotefest, farting from the thai food…well, I was doing all the farting…all and all just having a fargin ball! So much so that it got really late and Robin decided to crash on my couch instead of driving home. As I mentioned in this post, Robin lives like 50 miles away so it makes sense for her to just crash on my couch…especially since where she works is only about 15 minutes from where I live.

Anyway, on to the serial killers. Just as we were packing it in from the Ipod adventure and Robin was getting all set to go to bed we noticed the show “Most Evil” had started. Now both of us have a curious facsination with serial killers so we decided to hangout for a bit more and watch the show before heading to sleepy-sleepy land. Last night’s episode was all about women serial killers so it was extra interesting to Robin because she really loves the movie “Monster”, the bio-pic about the real life serial killer Aileen Wuornos. I’ll tell you all something, women serial killers “izz tha kwazziest peeplez!!”

Just as our latest adventure wound to an eventual end last night, this story too must come to an end. It may not have been as thrilling as our last adventure, but for what it lacked in miles driven and gallons of gas wasted, it totally made up for it in hours of laughs, gallons of sweat, and a massive quantity of spicy thai food farts! All I can say is thank god (or whomever is running this wacky galaxy) for Matt Stone and Trey Parker…thanks for a fuckin great friend like Robin…and thanks be to the poop fairy for not giving me fiery hot diarrhea from all the thai food.

Yesterday after my doctor appointment I stopped in and visited my Mom. Well not my real Mom, her miserable carcass is in NJ. I visited my greatest friend EVER!!!! No, seriously…EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her name is Robin and I will describe our friendship at length sometime in the future, but just for this story you should know she is 20 years my junior and I love her to death, so much so I wish she would adopt me…no really, I want her to be my “REAL” Mom! Without a full explanation of our friendship that sounds freaky as hell, but fuck it, I know what I mean and eventually if you keep reading this blog so will you.

On to our adventure from yesterday. Yes, I say adventure cuz that is what we call them… “Our Adventures”. Robin and I are both Aquarians so we tend to be impulsive and just do shit completely out-of-the-blue on a whim. This leads us to some really hillarious situations (like getting stuck in the snow in the middle of nowhere on an old logging road and then almost getting the tow truck sent to help us almost stuck there with us) and also some pretty fucking awesome memories (like the time we wanted to go out to dinner and wound up driving all the way to Plattsburg in upstate NY…nearly 150 miles away from where we lived…but god damn, that dinner was AWESOME!!!! We both tried escargot for the first time.)

Ok, so like this simple little post is turning into a freakin book now. Anyway…long story short…Robin had a 12% off coupon to Best Buy so we drove to the one in West Lebanon, NH (no sales tax in NH). It was sooooooooo fucking hot all day but the drive was all interstate so we got a cool breeze and it was pretty nice. We get to Best Buy and look at the Ipods, the laptops, the computers, the monitors, back to the Ipods, back to the monitors, then to the video cameras, then to the digital cameras, back to the Ipods, back to the monitors…get the picture, we just wandered around and around the store for a long time.

I was just there to hang with Robin since it is hard for us to find time to spend together lately (she moved to a new town about 50 miles away) but while we looked at the monitors we noticed they had a lot of LCD monitors on sale and I have needed a new monitor for like a year and a half. The one I wanted, a 17″ for only $129 was sold out but…after walking around the store some more while Robin tried to decide whether to buy the Ipod, as well as trying to order the monitor online and having the store wave the shipping cost, then stopping to look at an open box Ipod which was $50 cheaper, then going back to the Ipod section to look at accesories, then to look at Sirius radio stuff, then to look at the DVD box sets, then back to the Ipod section and finally deciding we were tired and hungry and would leave…I somehow convinced Robin to buy the new black 30GB Ipod and she got me to give in and splurge and buy the 19″ LCD monitor that was on sale for $199. (My god is that the longest run-on sentence in history?!)

After our hours of treading around Best Buy we went to Wendy’s for some yummy din din. We don’t have a Wendy’s anywhere near either of us so when we are near one we usually eat there. After ordering a ton of food, paying and then at the VERY last minute changing my mind about what I ordered…luckily they changed it…we had a nice conversation about absolutely nothing in an ice cold air-conditioned dining room. The cold was almost as good as the food! After dinner we headed back out to the heat, which had actually gotten cooler since the sun went down.

I felt like a Dunkin Donuts Coffee Coolatta to keep me cool on the drive home. So, it is dark and I cant see shit out at nite and the enterances are all confusing to the stores in West Leb. Anyway, I wind up entering through the exit of Dunkin Donuts, as some dude enters through the entrance and he looks at me like I am fucking crazy, driving over a curb in the process and making Robin laugh her ass off cuz I’m such a doofass.

We get to the drive-up window and I order my coolatta…damn coolatta machine is broken. So I order a large turbo ice with milk and sugar flavored with chocolate and rasberry and Robin, who didn’t really want anything at first, ordered the same only a medium…hmm, I’m big and fat and order a large and she is tiny and thin and orders a medium…I think I need to start ordering mediums (or possibly moving my fat ass away from the TV once in a while…but that is a different story).

To finally end this rambling bit on nonsense I will just say we had a nice ride home, discussing the same shit I always discuss, probably boring the shit out of Robin, but she is always nice and listens and laughs at my stupid jokes so a good time was had by all. Only thing was we were both wired when we got to her house from the coffee. In her case a bad thing since she had to go to bed cuz she had work in the morning, however, in my case a good thing since I still had to drive another 50 miles through the fog filled backroads of VT, praying a Moose didn’t decide to park its fat ass in the middle of the road.

All and all a fucking fantastic adventure and she has a shiny new 30GB Ipod with a fancy-smancy case and I got me a brand new 19″ LCD monitor…WOO HOO!! Hope you all are enjoying your lives cuz I for one am enjoying mine…at least for a short while anyway.

Ok, so I move to VT from NJ/NYC about 6 and a half years ago to get away from the heat and to actually have a white winter. But god damn, it gets hot up here too…too hot if you ask me. Sure, we don’t have 3 months of 90 degree tempuratures and there is no smog, however we still get in the 90’s in Vermont and just as humid. I hate it. Fucking global warming. Pretty soon I will have to move to Quebec City to get away from the heat. Although I heard the flies in Canada are horrendous.

As much as I hate heat I am thinking of moving to Reno, NV. I want to move to Las Vegas but no freakin way could I tolerate days at 100+ degrees. At least in Reno, from what I can tell, it isn’t as bad because of the elavation. Plus it gets cold in the winter there, which is what I like. I am also thinking of moving to Portland, Oregon. I just know that I am kinda bored with living here in VT. I think I’ve done all I can and it is time to be movin on!

Check back from time to time, I’ll keep you all posted on my adventures, or lack there of…keep you posted, that is toooooo funny, as if anyone is actually gonna be reading this.